This may seem like a mood killer post but it’s how I’m feeling a kind of way right now and I want to write. This is about when I lost my mum, so if you don’t want to read this you dont have to but I need to tell my story, and I don’t think many people know this story.
Let me start from the beginning, it was 2005, I was 13 and my mum and dad were being a bit weird. They called me into my little sisters room, and sat us both on the bed. They stood in front of us with this worried look on their faces. All I could think is ‘what have I done now?’ Then my mum crouched down our level, looked at us both and said, ‘I have Cancer’. I just sat there and stared at her for what felt like an hour but was really about a minute. I was in shock. Then the tears came, I would not stop crying. I didn’t even really know what the effects of cancer were but I know that people died from it and that was enough information for me.
My little sister didn’t cry, I don’t remember how she reacted because I was in shock but I know that she didn’t shed one tear that night, she was so young at 10 years old so she didn’t fully understand.
My mum asked why I was crying and I remember saying to her ‘are you going to die?’ which she replied ‘I promise you I will be fine’.
We carried on with our lives as normal, with the added hospital trip so mum could have Chemo. Anna and dad would go with her but I would always stay home. There were a few times that she was taken into hospital because things got a little bad but she soon came out.
We got through christmas that year and new year. Mum got involved as much as she could but she was very weak.
I went to Germany on a school trip and when I returned home I gave my mum a post card of Berlin which supposedly had a piece of the ‘real’ Berlin wall. We spent a few days together at home before I went back to school. We argued a lot in those few days, I’m not sure what over, probably something so small and silly. Something so irrelevant.
My sister and I came home from our first day back at school and my auntie was in my house, she told us that mum was taken into hospital again and she was there to look after us.
Dad came home later that night and he was alone, mum had to stay in the hospital. Time went on, I’m not sure how much time, but it left like weeks and mum never came out. My dad and my sister would go and visit her but I would always stay at home. Me and my dad would have massive arguments over it. I didn’t want to see my mum in hospital with tubes down her throat and hooked up to machines, but he knew it was important that I saw her.
A little while after my dad came home from the hospital one day and was very stressed but said mum was getting a little better. That night we got a phone call, I answered the phone and it was the hospital, they wanted to speak to my dad. Something was wrong and he went back down to the hospital. This hadn’t happened before, he had never rushed out to the hospital like that.
My little sister and I were left at home for a couple of hours then a couple of family friends walked though the back door of our house and told us to put a coat on and get in the car, I could tell that they had been crying. I don’t remember the car journey to the hospital, I do remember it was very quiet though, nobody spoke a word.
When we arrived on the ward that my mum was on we were taken into a room at the end of the ward, I remember looking around for my mum but I couldn’t see her.
The next part I remember so clearly, one of the family friends took us into the room where my dad was. I remember my dads face, his eyes were red and puffy, he had clearly been crying a lot and he was shaking so much. There were two grey hospital sofas in this room. We all sat down and that’s when he told us that our mum wasn’t going to make it through the week and we needed to say our goodbyes.
The next few days were so hard. Mum had been moved into a more private room and the limit on visitors was lifted. She always had loads of people around her and I know she would have been happy knowing everyone was there. My mum wasn’t asleep or anything like that, she was paralysed but she could move her eyes. So she saw us all there with her.
My dad was there 24/7 and my sister and I would be there every day but would sleep at home. Then there was one day that the whole family was there and all her close friends. Mother’s day was coming up so my sister wanted to read her the mother’s day card that we had got for her. Everyone left the room giving myself, my sister and my mum some time alone.
I couldn’t tell you a word that was in that card. The entire time my sister was reading I was just staring at my mum. She was laying there still, her eyes open. Then I saw the corners on her mouth turn up slightly forming a little smile on her face. Soon after followed her tears. I wiped them away for her and grabbed hold of her hand. How had my mum got like this? It was heartbreaking.
We said goodnight to her like we did every night, told her we loved her and then we went home for the night.
The next morning I got up first and went down stairs, I saw all my family and family friends in the lounge, said Good Morning to them and then continued into the kitchen. I knew it then, I knew she had passed away. I had lost my mum forever.
I didn’t need anyone to confirm it to me because the whole family sitting in my lounge crying was conformation enough but my aunt came out to see me and actually tell me. I didn’t really react. I just walked up stairs into my dads room, he was laying in bed sobbing, I have never seen anyone so heart-broken in all my life. I got in next to his and we just cuddled and cried. Someone must have gone and woken up my little sister because about 5 minutes later she ran through the door in hysterics. It was then that I realised I needed to be brave and try to get them both through this.
I was devastated don’t get me wrong but something clicked in me, it was just what I thought was right or possibly my way of coping and I just left the room went and got my self dressed and went to the Nursery where I was doing my work experience that day. When they found out what had happened they sent me home of course but I felt like I needed to get on with my day and not cry.
I will end that there but I will go on to what happened after with me in another post. I’m not writing this for sympathy of anything like that, I know im not the only person that has been through this. It’s simply something that I think about a lot and just wanted to write it down.
Thanks for reading and your ongoing support!