Lets continue with my story…

On the 2nd of September I made a post about my emotions and thoughts throughout losing my Mum, I called it ‘A story I want to tell’ and I will link it here, it’s probably best you read that one first if you haven’t already of this won’t make much sense.

I suffer from delayed-onset post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which causes severe anxiety, flashbacks, uncontrollable thoughts and nightmares but worst of all I lost a lot of my memory from my childhood and few years after my mum passed away. The doctor said that this is normal when someone loses someone that close.

I will tell you what I do remember though…

My dad planned the funeral as far as I know, he passed everything by my Nan and Granddad (my Mum’s parents), he picked two songs to be played the first was ‘Have I told you lately that I love you – Van Morrison’ and ‘Goodbye my lover –  James’. People gathered at my house and we went to the church, the same church that my mum and dad were married.The actual funeral was a bit of a blur, there were loads of people, like LOADS!

My dad read out the poem that he wrote with me and my sister. It was hard to watch. The rest was a blur until we got to the crematorium and the curtain went around where my mum laid. This is where I realised that this was it, she wasn’t coming back. I remember say ‘no’ over and over again and sobbing. There was a friend of mine, Nick, who was sitting behind me at the crematorium and I just remember him try to calm me down and keep me seated. If Nick wasn’t there I’m pretty sure that I would have got out of my seat and run over to my mum.

After the funeral I was alright, that’s when my PSTD started, I started to forget. I blocked everything out and just carried on living my life. When I was 16 I decided that was going to follow in my Mum’s footsteps and become a hairdresser, I enjoyed it at first but then it started to make me feel like I wasn’t being me and I was just trying to keep mum alive.

When I turned 18 I started drinking a lot more. I would go to a local social club and as I was one of the oldest I used to go the shop and buy us ass alcohol and we would get drunk. It was only a few but then the few became a few more and so on. This led to self harm, and I wasn’t hurting myself to die or for attention, I simply done it because for that short amount of time my mind was focused on stopping the blood than the fact I felt so alone and lost.

When it was one of my friends 18th birthdays, I think I was 20, I drank a lot! So much that I  cried, screamed and head butted the floor. I was having breakdown and I believe it was around this time that I started to have everything really hit home and everything I had bottled up for 6 years just escaped but in the worst way possible. That night I asked my friends to take me to my Dads girlfriends house because I didn’t want to face my dad in this state but on arrival I learned that he was already there. My friends took me inside and left me with my dad.

I don’t think my Dad really knew what to do, he had never seen me in this state before. All I kept saying is ‘She’s gone, Mums gone’ to which he replied ‘she will always be here, she’s never really gone’ but I just wasn’t having any of it. It must have been so hard for him to watch me in such a bad way. After a bit of a fight he managed to get me home and to bed.

The next morning it was all a bit awkward and he didn’t say anything to me. So, I decided that I was going to tell him everything, I showed him my arms and my legs and told him that I was really struggling. I suggested going to a hospital for treatment but he didn’t think I needed to. He could see I was bad but he knew I would be okay at home.

I went to the doctors and got anti depressants and all that jazzy stuff. Time went on and I took my ‘happy pills’, I got on with life feeling pretty numbed out. When I hit 22 I cut again a few times but it was just a little hiccup.

I know that a lot of people say it gets better in time but does it really? I don’t feel any better without my mum, in fact I know that in years to come I won’t have her to help me wedding dress shopping, or be at my wedding, she will never be able to help and advise me through pregnancy and she will never get the chance to be a Nan. I only feel okay because I have blocked so much out.

Don’t get me wrong what people see of my life, it looks pretty wonderful but thats on the surface, I’m not saying I’m in the same place as I was aged 20 but I know that I will never be as happy as I was aged 12 when everything was going perfect.

Once again I’m not writing this for sympathy of anything like that, I know I’m not the only person that has been through this. It’s simply something that I think about a lot and just wanted to write it down

 

sign-off

 

A story I want to tell

This may seem like a mood killer post but it’s how I’m feeling a kind of way right now and I want to write. This is about when I lost my mum, so if you don’t want to read this you dont have to but I need to tell my story, and I don’t think many people know this story. 

Let me start from the beginning, it was 2005, I was 13 and my mum and dad were being a bit weird. They called me into my little sisters room, and sat us both on the bed. They stood in front of us with this worried look on their faces. All I could think is ‘what have I done now?’ Then my mum crouched down our level, looked at us both and said, ‘I have Cancer’. I just sat there and stared at her for what felt like an hour but was really about a minute. I was in shock. Then the tears came, I would not stop crying. I didn’t even really know what the effects of cancer were but I know that people died from it and that was enough information for me.

My little sister didn’t cry, I don’t remember how she reacted because I was in shock but I know that she didn’t shed one tear that night, she was so young at 10 years old so she didn’t fully understand.

My mum asked why I was crying and I remember saying to her ‘are you going to die?’ which she replied ‘I promise you I will be fine’.

We carried on with our lives as normal, with the added hospital trip so mum could have Chemo. Anna and dad would go with her but I would always stay home. There were a few times that she was taken into hospital because things got a little bad but she soon came out.

We got through christmas that year and new year. Mum got involved as much as she could but she was very weak.

I went to Germany on a school trip and when I returned home I gave my mum a post card of Berlin which supposedly had a piece of the ‘real’ Berlin wall. We spent a few days together at home before I went back to school. We argued a lot in those few days, I’m not sure what over, probably something so small and silly. Something so irrelevant.

My sister and I came home from our first day back at school and my auntie was in my house, she told us that mum was taken into hospital again and she was there to look after us.

Dad came home later that night and he was alone, mum had to stay in the hospital. Time went on, I’m not sure how much time, but it left like weeks and mum never came out. My dad and my sister would go and visit her but I would always stay at home. Me and my dad would have massive arguments over it. I didn’t want to see my mum in hospital with tubes down her throat and hooked up to machines, but he knew it was important that I saw her.

A little while after my dad came home from the hospital one day and was very stressed but said mum was getting a little better. That night we got a phone call, I answered the phone and it was the hospital, they wanted to speak to my dad. Something was wrong and he went back down to the hospital. This hadn’t happened before, he had never rushed out to the hospital like that.

My little sister and I were left at home for a couple of hours then a couple of family friends walked though the back door of our house and told us to put a coat on and get in the car, I could tell that they had been crying. I don’t remember the car journey to the hospital, I do remember it was very quiet though, nobody spoke a word.

When we arrived on the ward that my mum was on we were taken into a room at the end of the ward, I remember looking around for my mum but I couldn’t see her.

The next part I remember so clearly, one of the family friends took us into the room where my dad was. I remember my dads face, his eyes were red and puffy, he had clearly been crying a lot and he was shaking so much. There were two grey hospital sofas in this room. We all sat down and that’s when he told us that our mum wasn’t going to make it through the week and we needed to say our goodbyes.

The next few days were so hard. Mum had been moved into a more private room and the limit on visitors was lifted. She always had loads of people around her and I know she would have been happy knowing everyone was there. My mum wasn’t asleep or anything like that, she was paralysed but she could move her eyes. So she saw us all there with her.

My dad was there 24/7 and my sister and I would be there every day but would sleep at home. Then there was one day that the whole family was there and all her close friends. Mother’s day was coming up so my sister wanted to read her the mother’s day card that we had got for her. Everyone left the room giving myself, my sister and my mum some time alone.

I couldn’t tell you a word that was in that card. The entire time my sister was reading I was just staring at my mum. She was laying there still, her eyes open. Then I saw the corners on her mouth turn up slightly forming a little smile on her face. Soon after followed her tears. I wiped them away for her and grabbed hold of her hand. How had my mum got like this? It was heartbreaking.

We said goodnight to her like we did every night, told her we loved her and then we went home for the night.

The next morning I got up first and went down stairs, I saw all my family and family friends in the lounge, said Good Morning to them and then continued into the kitchen. I knew it then, I knew she had passed away.  I had lost my mum forever.

I didn’t need anyone to confirm it to me because the whole family sitting in my lounge crying was conformation enough but my aunt came out to see me and actually tell me. I didn’t really react. I just walked up stairs into my dads room, he was laying in bed sobbing, I have never seen anyone so heart-broken in all my life. I got in next to his and we just cuddled and cried. Someone must have gone and woken up my little sister because about 5 minutes later she ran through the door in hysterics. It was then that I realised I needed to be brave and try to get them both through this.

I was devastated don’t get me wrong but something clicked in me, it was just what I thought was right or possibly my way of coping and I just left the room went and got my self dressed and went to the Nursery where I was doing my work experience that day. When they found out what had happened they sent me home of course but I felt like I needed to get on with my day and not cry.

I will end that there but I will go on to what happened after with me in another post. I’m not writing this for sympathy of anything like that, I know im not the only person that has been through this. It’s simply something that I think about a lot and just wanted to write it down.

Thanks for reading and your ongoing support! 

Screen Shot 2016-03-10 at 21.14.08

 

 

 

 

 

Get to know me.

10888777_821741577933172_7853244745885438714_n

I don’t give away much information about myself and I want all my readers to know the person I am.  So I have found 50 questions to answer about myself.

Right here goes…

  1. Who is your hero? My mum is my hero, she passed away from cancer when I was 14 and she was such a brave woman. She fought it on 5 occasions and managed to beat it 4 times. She never gave up and she will always be my hero.
  2. If you could live anywhere, where would it be? Orlando, Florida. I am a MASSIVE Disney fan and it would be fitting that I live near Disney World. Plus there is a lot of other things to do there and its near beaches.
  3. What is your biggest fear? The unknown after death. This might sound really stupid to some people but the fact that literally nobody knows what happens after scares the living day lights out of me. Oh and lotus pods, just typing that made me feel sick.
  4. What is your favourite family vacation? I’ve been abroad every years since I was 6 months old except this year, so there’s a lot to choose from but I think my favourite was when I was around 6 and we rented a (what seemed massive because I was so small) villa and it was my family with my aunt, uncle cousins, grandparents and it was just nice because we were all there and it was just us.
  5. What would you change about yourself if you could? My weight. Don’t get me wrong I’m not ashamed of being a chub but I’m not proud either. I don’t feel comfortable and clothes just never fit. I am working on it though. Watch this space!
  6. What really makes you angry? Ignorance, racism and homophobia. I just don’t understand it. Its 2015 people just need to get over it.
  7. What motivates you to work hard? I never want to be in the situation that I can’t give my children things, that doesn’t mean I will give them everything they ask for but I just would hate to have to say no because I can’t afford it.
  8. What is your favourite thing about your career? Im a waitress and the people i work with are like my second family. I love them the most to be honest but we also have a few regular people that come in that I absolutely adore.
  9. What is your biggest complaint about your job? Impatient people and people that let their kids make a HUGE mess. We are a family restaurant but if you wouldn’t let you kids do it at home why let them do it there?
  10. What is your proudest accomplishment? This might seem like a really deep answer but I want to be truthful with you all. When my mum passed I tried to stay strong for my Dad and Sister (she was only 11) and I didn’t let myself grief properly. A couple of years later though everything came crashing down and I went down a dark path. I ended up with severe depression. I am so proud that i managed to get through that, with the help from my friends and family.
  11. What do you wish you done more growing up? I wish I wasn’t so much of a brat and a trouble maker and I also wish that I spent more time with my family.
  12. What is your favourite book to read? Literally anything by Cecilia Ahern! ♥
  13. What makes you laugh the most? This is a really bad thing to say but when people knock into things or are in awkward situations.
  14. What was the last movie you went to? What did you think? Inside Out and I loved it. Its Disney Duh!
  15. What did you want to be when you were small? Oh I didn’t read these question through before I started answering them and i was hoping this wasn’t going to be in here but here goes. I wanted to be a…STRIPPER…there is a story behind this. It was one of the first things the I remembered as a job and it just kind of stuck.
  16. How many children do you have/want? I want 3 children and I really don’t mind what sex they are.
  17. If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would it be? If I could bring people back I would like to have a mother and daughter day. If I couldn’t do that I would like to do to Disney World.
  18. What is your favourite game or sport to watch and play? I love watching the gymnastics but I loved playing netball growing up, I was always goal attack.
  19. Would you rather ride a bike, ride a horse, or drive a car? Ride a horse. I love animals.
  20. What would you sing at Karaoke night? I would either be cheesy and sing ‘Daydream Beliver’ by Monkees or I would be brave and try some Beyonce
  21. What two radio stations do you listen to in the car the most? I don’t drive but at home I listen to XFM or Kiss.
  22. Which would you rather do: wash dishes, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom, or vacuum the house? Clean the bathroom, Nothing nicer than a clean bathroom!
  23. If you could hire someone to help you, would it be with cleaning, cooking, or yard work? Probably yard work because worms make me want to vomit.
  24. If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Salmon with baby potatos and veggies!
  25. Who is your favourite author? I have kind of answered this already but its Cecila Ahern. I just think she has such a creative imagination!
  26. Have you ever had a nickname? What is it? Ive had a few that rhyme with my name, Smell, Belle. My dad always called my Gilly and my great uncle called me Ellie Smelly Jelly Belly Baby.
  27. Do you like or dislike surprises? Why or why not? I don’t really mind to be honest. if i know that somethings going on though i like to know about it.
  28. In the evening, would you rather play a game, visit a relative, watch a movie, or read? All of the above really, depending on how I feel that day. I more that likely do a few of these things in once night anyway.
  29. Would you rather vacation in Hawaii or Alaska, and why? Hawaii. I blame movies that i have watched!
  30. Would you rather win the lottery or work at the perfect job? And why? Have the perfect job. I like to know that I deserve the money i receive and i have worked hard for it. Plus my perfect job would be a cast member at Disney World, who would turn that down?
  31.  Which 3 people would you want to be stranded with on a deserted island? My dad, because his my rock, my sister because we need each other and my best friend Louisa because were kinda joint at the hip, plus she makes me laugh.
  32. If money was no object, what would you do all day? Go to Disney World. That’s all ever want to do.
  33. If you could go back in time, what year would you travel to? There are so many years. The 50’s were great and I loved the women style. 1971 would also be a great year because thats when Disney World opened. Over all though I think I would go to 1945, the year the Soviets won the war.
  34. How would your friends describe you in 3 words? Strange, Grunge, childish.
  35. What are your hobbies? This blog, I’m also a erin condoner glam planner (if that counts)
  36. What is the best gift you have been given? My macbook air for christmas last year or my car, which I no longer have because I can’t drive.
  37. What is the worst gift you have received? My great aunt gave me hangers and a half used cross word for Christmas once. The was a bit shit.
  38. Aside from necessities, what one thing could you not go a day without? My iPhone or Macbook. It has my life on it.
  39. List two pet peeves. People that sit at the table talking on their phone and double negatives ie. ‘Why did you do that?’ ‘I didn’t do nothing’  So you did do something?
  40. Where do you see yourself in five years? I would like to be due to have my first child with my current boyfriend, in a monday-friday job.
  41. How many pairs of shoes do you own? I know i own 42 pairs of black shoes, wait no, 44 if you include my work shoes. Shoes in total is probably 55ish
  42. If you were a super-hero, what powers would you have? Teleporting. Who wouldn’t want to teleport?
  43. What would you do if you won the lottery? Not tell any one but my dad and sister. Continue to work because that money won’t last forever. I would invest in property. I would also by my dad a boat because he loves sailing.
  44. What form of public transportation do you prefer? (air, boat, train, bus, car, etc.) Depends where I’m going to be honest, if it was over seas then obviously not by car or bus.
  45. What’s your favorite zoo animal? Bears, I love them so much.
  46. If you could go back in time to change one thing, what would it be? I would go back and spend more time with my mum.
  47. If you could share a meal with any 4 individuals, living or dead, who would they be? My mum, my Uncle Al, Amy Winehouse and Joss stone.
  48. How many pillows do you sleep with? 3 and a Simba cushion.
  49. What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep (and why)? 72 hours, I was a little bit of a party animal growing up. The sleep after though was beautiful.
  50. What’s the tallest building you’ve been to the top in? Fernsehturm in Berlin. I have been to the Eiffel Tower but never went up.

I want to get to know you lot too so I am going to tag 3 people

Lulu’s Beauty Spot

ROSHNI REVIEWS

WITTY ‘N’ PRETTY

Cant wait to read up about you 3 and anybody else that wants to answer the questions. Please use the blank questions below.


  1. Who is your hero?
  2. If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
  3. What is your biggest fear?
  4. What is your favorite family vacation?
  5. What would you change about yourself if you could?
  6. What really makes you angry?
  7. What motivates you to work hard?
  8. What is your favorite thing about your career?
  9. What is your biggest complaint about your job?
  10. What is your proudest accomplishment?
  11. What do you wish you done more growing up?
  12. What is your favorite book to read?
  13. What makes you laugh the most?
  14. What was the last movie you went to? What did you think?
  15. What did you want to be when you were small?
  16. What does your child want to be when he/she grows up?
  17. If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would it be?
  18. What is your favorite game or sport to watch and play?
  19. Would you rather ride a bike, ride a horse, or drive a car?
  20. What would you sing at Karaoke night?
  21. What two radio stations do you listen to in the car the most?
  22. Which would you rather do: wash dishes, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom, or vacuum the house?
  23. If you could hire someone to help you, would it be with cleaning, cooking, or yard work?
  24. If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?
  25. Who is your favorite author?
  26. Have you ever had a nickname? What is it?
  27. Do you like or dislike surprises? Why or why not?
  28. In the evening, would you rather play a game, visit a relative, watch a movie, or read?
  29. Would you rather vacation in Hawaii or Alaska, and why?
  30. Would you rather win the lottery or work at the perfect job? And why?
  31.  Which 3 people would you want to be stranded with on a deserted island?
  32. If money was no object, what would you do all day?
  33. If you could go back in time, what year would you travel to?
  34. How would your friends describe you in 3 words?
  35. What are your hobbies?
  36. What is the best gift you have been given?
  37. What is the worst gift you have received?
  38. Aside from necessities, what one thing could you not go a day without?
  39. List two pet peeves.
  40. Where do you see yourself in five years?
  41. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
  42. If you were a super-hero, what powers would you have?
  43. What would you do if you won the lottery?
  44. What form of public transportation do you prefer? (air, boat, train, bus, car, etc.)
  45. What’s your favorite zoo animal? .
  46. If you could go back in time to change one thing, what would it be?
  47. If you could share a meal with any 4 individuals, living or dead, who would they be?
  48. How many pillows do you sleep with?
  49. What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep (and why)?
  50. What’s the tallest building you’ve been to the top in?

xoxo

insta twitter pint 7688480774_8d029fec07

Job promotion!

dirp_Fotor

Today I finally got a day off so I managed to write a quick post.  I’m sorry that I left it so long but I have been extremely busy with something.

Before christmas it was discussed that I would start my managers training at work and that it would start the beginning of January but my manager has been busy with the company and getting over christmas herself. She was then off for 5 weeks. So because I didn’t hear anything I just thought she had changed her mind, but on the Sunday just gone she asked if I was still interested in the promotion, which of course I am! So thats it, I am the new training manager! I am so excited for this, to develop myself and prove that I’m not just a ditzy girl with no control of her life.

I also had to get glasses and a new phone over the weekend, which I’m kind of in love with.

xoxo