On the 2nd of September I made a post about my emotions and thoughts throughout losing my Mum, I called it ‘A story I want to tell’ and I will link it here, it’s probably best you read that one first if you haven’t already of this won’t make much sense.
I suffer from delayed-onset post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which causes severe anxiety, flashbacks, uncontrollable thoughts and nightmares but worst of all I lost a lot of my memory from my childhood and few years after my mum passed away. The doctor said that this is normal when someone loses someone that close.
I will tell you what I do remember though…
My dad planned the funeral as far as I know, he passed everything by my Nan and Granddad (my Mum’s parents), he picked two songs to be played the first was ‘Have I told you lately that I love you – Van Morrison’ and ‘Goodbye my lover – James’. People gathered at my house and we went to the church, the same church that my mum and dad were married.The actual funeral was a bit of a blur, there were loads of people, like LOADS!
My dad read out the poem that he wrote with me and my sister. It was hard to watch. The rest was a blur until we got to the crematorium and the curtain went around where my mum laid. This is where I realised that this was it, she wasn’t coming back. I remember say ‘no’ over and over again and sobbing. There was a friend of mine, Nick, who was sitting behind me at the crematorium and I just remember him try to calm me down and keep me seated. If Nick wasn’t there I’m pretty sure that I would have got out of my seat and run over to my mum.
After the funeral I was alright, that’s when my PSTD started, I started to forget. I blocked everything out and just carried on living my life. When I was 16 I decided that was going to follow in my Mum’s footsteps and become a hairdresser, I enjoyed it at first but then it started to make me feel like I wasn’t being me and I was just trying to keep mum alive.
When I turned 18 I started drinking a lot more. I would go to a local social club and as I was one of the oldest I used to go the shop and buy us ass alcohol and we would get drunk. It was only a few but then the few became a few more and so on. This led to self harm, and I wasn’t hurting myself to die or for attention, I simply done it because for that short amount of time my mind was focused on stopping the blood than the fact I felt so alone and lost.
When it was one of my friends 18th birthdays, I think I was 20, I drank a lot! So much that I cried, screamed and head butted the floor. I was having breakdown and I believe it was around this time that I started to have everything really hit home and everything I had bottled up for 6 years just escaped but in the worst way possible. That night I asked my friends to take me to my Dads girlfriends house because I didn’t want to face my dad in this state but on arrival I learned that he was already there. My friends took me inside and left me with my dad.
I don’t think my Dad really knew what to do, he had never seen me in this state before. All I kept saying is ‘She’s gone, Mums gone’ to which he replied ‘she will always be here, she’s never really gone’ but I just wasn’t having any of it. It must have been so hard for him to watch me in such a bad way. After a bit of a fight he managed to get me home and to bed.
The next morning it was all a bit awkward and he didn’t say anything to me. So, I decided that I was going to tell him everything, I showed him my arms and my legs and told him that I was really struggling. I suggested going to a hospital for treatment but he didn’t think I needed to. He could see I was bad but he knew I would be okay at home.
I went to the doctors and got anti depressants and all that jazzy stuff. Time went on and I took my ‘happy pills’, I got on with life feeling pretty numbed out. When I hit 22 I cut again a few times but it was just a little hiccup.
I know that a lot of people say it gets better in time but does it really? I don’t feel any better without my mum, in fact I know that in years to come I won’t have her to help me wedding dress shopping, or be at my wedding, she will never be able to help and advise me through pregnancy and she will never get the chance to be a Nan. I only feel okay because I have blocked so much out.
Don’t get me wrong what people see of my life, it looks pretty wonderful but thats on the surface, I’m not saying I’m in the same place as I was aged 20 but I know that I will never be as happy as I was aged 12 when everything was going perfect.
Once again I’m not writing this for sympathy of anything like that, I know I’m not the only person that has been through this. It’s simply something that I think about a lot and just wanted to write it down